So YOU want some Erap Jokes Ha…..
 

Erap Soliciting Campaign Funds

Erap, Joe De V and Fred Lim are soliciting campaign funds from the Sultan of Brunei. The Sultan has a very intelligent horse, who understands English but is lame. Sultan says he will donate a million dollars to the candidate who can make the horse laugh, cry and run.

Joe says, "Me first." (as he is accustomed to do). He puts his face in front of the horse, and starts wiggling his huge ears. The horse enjoys the breeze, but does not laugh. Joe takes out money and waives it in front of the horse while making sad, crying sounds (nangaasar baga). The horse ignores the money, and refuses to cry.

Joe then slaps the horse's behind, and starts shouting "Heyaah". The horse ignores him and refuses to run. (The fact that the horse speaks English was totally lost on Joe, who is not very bright).

Lim comes up next. He looks at the horse and says, "Kapag 'di ka tumawa, papatayin kita"("If you don't laugh, I'll kill you!"). Horse didn't laugh. He walks over to the other side and says, "Kapag 'di ka umiyak, papa-salvage kita."("If you don't cry, I'll have you salvaged. - Locally, "salvage" is similar to "rub-out".) Horse didn't cry. Finally, he stands beside the horse and says, "Kung hindi ka tumakbo, pipinturahan ko yung bahay mo ng "AKO'Y PILAY". ("If you don't run, I paint "I'm lame' on your house.") Horse didn't run.

Erap comes to the front. He whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse bucks and laughs so loudly, the Sultan thought it was going to die. Erap whispers again. The horse starts to weep copiously. Finally, Erap whispers again, and the horse takes off running like a shot.

Joe and Fred are amazed. "What did you say to the horse first?" asks Joe.

Erap: "I'm the Vice-President of the Philippines".

Fred: "And how did you make him cry?"

Erap: "And I'm going to be the next President of the Philippines".

"Why did he run away?" they both asked.

Erap: "I told him if he didn't start running now, I was going to bring him back to the Philippines, and make him a registered Filipino voter.

Well, it seems that these three fellows, FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of a firing squad by the NPAs. As the final hour approaches, each one of them is trying to think of a way to escape this inevitable doom.

The time comes for the execution and FVR is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running away. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10, 9, 8,.....".

Just before the officer reaches "1", FVR shouts, " F L O O D !!". Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the FVR manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, FVR has made his way deep into the woods.

Cory is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing FVR's success, she decides to attempt a similar escape. She knows, though, that her executioners will not fall for the 'flood' trick again. Instead, she decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10, 9, 8, .....". Just before the officer reaches "1",
Cory shouts, " T O R N A D O !!". Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of wind. In all of the confusion, the Cory manages to take off her blindfold and run away. By the time the executioners are aware of what happened, Cory has made her way deep into the woods.

Erap is called on next to appear before the squad. Seeing his predecessor's successes, Erap decides to attempt a similar
escape. He knows, though, that his executioners will not fall for the 'flood' or the 'hurricane' tricks again. Instead, he decides to use another natural disaster. The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:

"10, 9, 8, .....". Just before the officer reaches "1", Erap shouts, " F I R E !!...".

The most intelligent "presidentiable", Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised
debate.

To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to giveErap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the Ps5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....

One day, isang araw, Erap notices people were signing up for a free seminar about the WWW. Erap says: "It's really nice to see so many people interested in history. But, there should be another seminar where our country was more involved."

His bodyguard says: "What do you mean, sir?" Erap explains: "I mean there should also be a seminar about WWT.... not only world war wan..... but also world war two."
 

On the first day of Grade 3, Erap's math teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Erap did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you're an Estrada, son."

The next day, in English class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "K" with only one mistake but Erap outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "M". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you're an Estrada, son."

The next day, the boys were dressing up after Physical Education. Erap noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm an Estrada?"

"No, son," explained Dad, "that's because you're 18!"
 

My countrymen, women and children and also in the city:

The ballots and the penoys have ispoken. I have won by a landscape. I swept the polls hands up. And so...uh...I, Joseph Ejercito, a.k.a. Joseph Estrada, alias Erap, am honorable to accept...er... the position of your President of the ah...Republic of the Philippines.

As your President, I'll never promise you a rose garden. But I swear, on my word of Aunor, to serve the people as good as it gets. There is no truth to the humor that I am just a puppet... see? no strings attached! how can I be a puppet?...of Danding Cojuangco. But I have 30 advisers to...uh...help me clean out the country. And as former Senator Enrile suggested, I will add 10 more advisers so that you can also call me Ali-Baba. I don't know what that means but it sound good. I will continue the economic program of FVR for Philippines 2000 years from now. So that...uh...everybody, young and old, richer and...uh... poorer, better or worse will have the-ah chance to take advantage of me while I am your President. Because that is my slogan. Erap, Para Mahirap!

I thanks God for making me the 13th president, even though Cardinal Sin did not like me because I am more sinful than him. And I thanks all my fans for their confident in my cuppabilities and intelligent. I know you are taking a big gamble by voting for me but that's okay. I like gambling. There is always a chance. And...uh...to those who do not like me and plan to oppose me, remember: Isang Bala Ka Lang. I thanks you and congratulations to me!

 ERAP: AT THE AIRPORT

ERAP, on his way to the US, decided to stop by the vendo machine by the airport lounge. He drops a few coins and out comes a can of coke.

"Okey ito ha!" He drops a few more coins and out comes a candy bar. "Ba, ayos a!" His aide comes over to him and says, "Sir, boarding time na ho sa eroplano!"

ERAP: "WAG KANG MAGULO! HINDI MO BA NAKIKITA NA NANANALO PA AKO---BUWISIT!!!"

Finally, he boards the plane with a bag full of coke and chocolate bars. He goes directly into first class. The stewardess (pinay) was alarmed and tells the Purser, "Sir, President ERAP is seated in first class. His ticket is only business. What shall we do?"

The purser takes a minute and says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it". The purser approaches ERAP who is fidgeting with his seatbelts.

PURSER : "Good morning ser....saan kayo papunta???

ERAP : "Sa America...bakit?

PURSER : "Naku ser, sa likod nalang ho kayo umupo at doon ang papunta sa America...dito sa harap ang papuntang JAPAN!!"

ERAP : "Ah ganoon ba...buti sinabi mo...sige, lilipat na ako!"

Seated between a Japanese and German businessmen, ERAP listens to the two. The German, talking in his native language, had on a headgear. The Japanese asked the German "Kore wa des ka?...what is that?"

GERMAN: "Hiel...dezz iz nothing. It iz zee latest technology ien Germany...the headsvone! I am talking to mine headquarters in zee Berlin."

The Japanese, not to be outdone, also started talking in his native language. The German asked him, "Vhat is dhat?"

The Jap says proudly, "Ano ne..kore wa is latest Japanes technology in Japang! Have mic implant in tongue ...and speaker in ear. I speak to office in Toyko ..neh."

ERAP, irked by the two other nationalities started to do a slow and looong FART. "....TRRRRRRR,TRRRR..PURURUUUUUUUT!"

The two businessmen closing their noses say...."&^^%$#@! WHAT'S THAT SOUND???"

ERAP says proudly, "Ah that, that's nothing. I WAS ONLY SENDING A FAX TO THE PRESIDENT!"

On his arrival in SFO. ERAP notices a long queue in the immigration area. He glances and sees a shorter queue that read..."OLYMPIC ATHLETES ONLY"

"Aba, doon na ako pipila...hehe." He instructs his aides to look for sport props.

The first aide, carrying a hubcap, goes through. His excuse...DISCUS thrower.

ERAP: "Aba ayos yon ah!"

The second aide also goes through with a mop pole. His excuse...JAVELIN thrower.

ERAP: "Aba...mahusay din." "Teka muna, presidente ako ng Pilipins. Dapat hindi basta-basta lang ang sports ko!! Dapat cultured ng konti."

He goes around and finds a bundle of barbed wire. "Ayos ito...tamang tama." He goes directly to the immigration area.

Immigration Officer: "Sorry sir, this queue is only for athletes...What's your excuse?"

ERAP: Showing him the barbed wire with a wide grin..."FENCING!"

ERAP: ON ANIMAL SOUNDS

Isang araw, magkasamang nakasakay sa isang presidential car sina Cory, Ramos at Erap. Siyempre, may convoy ng mga Presidential Security (PSG). Habang papunta sila sa isang peace talks sa may bundok, inambush sila ng mga rebelde. Naubos lahat ng PSG at silang tatlo lamang ang natira kaya sinimulan na nila ang pagtakas.

Maya-maya ay narating nila ang isang gilid ng bangin. Wala na silang matatakbuhan, malapit na ang mga tumutugis na rebelde. Tatlong magkakatabing puno ng niyog lang ang naroon, wala ng iba pang mapagtataguan. Naisipan nilang akyatin ang mga puno at doon magtago. Dumating ang mga rebelde....

Lider: "Wala silang ibang mapupuntahan, nandito lamang iyon sa paligid. Ka Tukmol, alugin mo ang mga puno ng niyog na iyan, baka nagtatago sila sa itaas...."

Ka Tukmol: (Inalog ang unang puno)

Eh nasa itaas si Cory, nag-isip si tita Cory ng paraan para 'wag siyang mahuli. Naisip niyang gumawa ng animal sounds....

Cory: "Twit, twit, twit"

Ka Tukmol: "Bos, wala rito sa punong ito, ibon lang ang nandito."

Lider: "'Yung isa."

Ka Tukmol: (Inalog ang ikalawang puno)

Eh nasa itaas si Ramos, nag-isip si Ramos ng paraan para 'wag siyang mahuli. Naisip niyang gayahin ang ginawa ni tita Cory. Gumawa rin siya ng animal sounds....

Ramos: "Tsk, tsk, tsk..."

Ka Tukmol: "Bos, wala rin dito, butiki lang ang nandito....."

Lider: "'Yung huli."

Ka Tukmol: (Inalog ang ikatlong puno)

Eh nasa itaas si ERAP, hindi alam ni ERAP kung anong gagawin....

Erap: "Ramos, anong gagawin ko? Baka mahuli ako!

Ramos: "Tanga, gumawa ka ng animal sounds.

Erap: "Animal sounds? O sige, madali lang 'yon."

Ka Tukmol: (inalog muli ang puno)

Erap: "Mooooooo.....Mooooooo (cow sound)"

ANOTHER ERAP JOKE

In a meeting with Bill Clinton and other US officials, Erap overheard one senator ask Bill Clinton: "Mr. President, if my father's son is my son's father, who is he?" Bill Clinton replies, "Why, me, of course."

Erap then thinks to himself: "Aba, okay 'to, ah. Magamit nga kay pareng Tito (Sotto)."

So after the meeting, Erap goes to Tito Sotto and asks: "Pareng Tito, if my father's son is my son's father, who is he?"

Isip ngayon si Pareng Tito, but not being very bright himself, could not think of the answer.

So Tito Sotto replies, "Ah, Pareng Erap, magmi-miting na kami, eh. Sasagutin ko na lang yan mamaya."

Tito Sotto then thinks to himself: "Yes! Nakatakas! Alam ko na, tatanungin ko si Ka Blas."

So Tito Sotto approaches Blas Ople and asks: "Ka Blas! If my father's son is my son's father, who is he?"

Blas Ople replies, "That's so easy! It's me!"

Tito Sotto again thinks to himself: "Yes! May sagot na ako kay Pareng Erap."

So after the meeting, Tito Sotto approaches Erap. "Pareng Erap, ano uli yung tanong mo?"

Erap replies, "If my father's son is my son's father, who is he?"

Tito answers, "Ang dali naman! Siyempre, si Ka Blas!"

Tawa si Erap , "Ano ka ba naman! Hindi pare! Si Bill Clinton!"