In an emergency situation.
Erap : Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a bone.
Doctor : Are you CHOKING?
Erap : No, I'm SERIOUS!!

Erap doing a citizen's arrest on foreigner.
Erap : "Abuso ka na, anong pangalan mo?"  (While writing the report)
Foreigner : "Vladimir Kromanikov Shneit Norkvanikov Manheit Slokevsky."
Erap : O SIGE NA NGA, ALIS KA NA!

PDI Reporter : Mr. President, why did you beat up the man yesterday in the health center?
Erap : Kita na niyang ninenerbyos ako sa result ng AIDS test ko, tapos sabi pa niya -   "THINK POSITIVE!"

FVR : Nagustuhan mo ba yung M & M's w/ peanuts na pinadala ko kahapon sa iyo?   Alam ko naman na mahilig ka sa mani.
Erap : OO naman, sarap nga eh! KASO, ANG DUMI SA KUKO AT ANG HIRAP BALATAN!

Erap while buying chewing gum sa 7-11.
Erap : Etong bayad ko!
Cashier : Etong sukli nyo sir.
Erap : Sukli lang, asan yung libreng Asukal? Sabi dito sa gum wrapper,
SUGAR FREE!

Press conference on environment at Malacanang.
PDI Reporter : Mr. President, what are the Pollutants in the Phil.
Erap : Ther are several pollutants. This includes BOPIS, SISIG,SITSARON,
DAING, LIEMPO at MANI!

Erap while still in gradeschool.
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Erap : Eh, di 9.
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Erap : Gagaguhin nyo pa ako, eh binaligtad nyo lang, eh di 6!!

While in a drug store.
Erap : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Erap : It does not matter, cuz he can't read yet!!

In a science class.
Classmate : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot ang elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?
Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?
Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!

During a State Dinner with the Wives in Washington DC.
Bill to Hillary : Please pass the sugar SWEETHEART;
Blair to wife : Please pass the honey HONEYBUNCH;
Erap to Loi : Please pass the Pork PORKYPIG ! !

While hailing a taxicab in Makati.
Erap : Magkano papuntang San Juan?
Driver : Ikaw lang bang magisa?
Erap : Bakit, di ka ba sasama?

While in a friend's wake.
Erap : Tayo na Jinggoy, mauna na tayo.
Jinggoy : Dad, maaga pa naman, kararating lang natin.
Erap : Hindi mo ba nabasa yung sign "REMAINS WILL BE  CREMATED"!!

Erap calling U.P. Diliman : Hello! Is this DILIMAN?
Operator : No, this is PADRE FAURA.
Erap : I'm sorry Father, wrong number!!

While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi.
Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh.
Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko! !

Why does Erap take off his clothes whenever he takes exams?
Coz the test questions says "ANSWER IN BRIEF"!!

While in a pizzeria.
Erap : What are your specialties?
Waiter : Sir, we serve all kinds of pizza.
Erap : Talaga, bigyan mo nga ako ng Shakey's !!

Erap to Malacanang hardinero : I thought I told you to water the plants?
Hardinero : Yes, you did sir, but it is raining hard right now, sir.
Erap (MAD) : that's no excuse, I know we supplied you with raincoats! !

While in a store to buy a pen.
Erap : Miss mey ballpen ba kayo dito?
Clerk : Wala ho kaming ballpen.
Erap (MAD) : Bakit ang ipinangalan nyo sa store nyo "PENSHOPPE"?