Marriage Jokes

MARRIAGE THOUGHTS

Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriage is where the groom brings home the bacon...and the bride burns it.

Marriage should be a duet - when one sings the other claps

Marriage is like a violin.

After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached

A successful marriage requires a lot of give and take.

You give in and she takes over.

In marriage, you learn how to pay - either attention or dearly.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.

-The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you
never get to prove it.-

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start
to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Romance, to me, is like a game of chess.

One false move and you're mated.

Most brides cry during wedding, the husbands afterwards

MARRIAGE JOKES

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is
that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to
around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of
attention.

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We used to hear about youngsters running away from home to get married.

Nowadays, they get married and run back home.

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According to the latest surveys, when making love, most
married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

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Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

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How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.

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Words to live by:
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

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I have a friend who fell in love with a coal miner's daughter.

He told me, "Someday, I'm gonna make her mine!"

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First guy (proudly): -My wife's an angel
Second guy: -You're lucky, mine's still alive.-

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"Why did you marry your husband? You don't seem to have much in common?"
"It was the old story of opposites attracting each other. I was pregnant and he wasn't."

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"I'm going to my best friend's silver wedding anniversary."
"Oh, married twenty-five years?"
"No. Twenty-five times."

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Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.

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At the cocktail party, one man said to another,
-Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
- The other replied, -Yes, I am, I married the wrong woman.

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
-You know, I was a fool when I married you.
- He replied, -Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.-

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A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
-Wife wanted-.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
-You can have mine.-

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The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,
-I've found a girl just like mom.
- His father replied,
-So what do you want from me, sympathy?-

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A little boy asked his father,
-Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
- And the father replied, -I don't know son, I'm still paying.-

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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

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Then there was a man who said, -I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married
- and then it was too late.-

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A woman was telling her friend,
-It is I who made my husband a millionaire.
-And what was he before you married him?- asked the friend.
The woman replied, -A billionaire.-

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During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
-Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place,
we could fire the maid.
- The wife, fuming, shot back, -Oh yeah???
Well, if you'd learn how to make love,
we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener.-

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Two elderly gentlemen were talking and one said to the other,

 "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"
The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other. "What are you going to get your wife for your 20th anniversary?"
The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Siberia."
"Wow, Siberia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat.

What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."

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 The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"
"Sure, " replied her lover. "What's your phone number?"

PHRASES  TO LIVE BY:
 

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
 To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more  willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after, well, that's the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman.....before and after marriage.

There are two kinds of women: the one you dream about and the one you marry

What's worse than a husband's not being a one-woman man is his becoming a one-man man.

A husband is a person who is under the impression he bosses the house

---when in reality, he only houses the boss.

Marriage is a union. A union of heart, a union of soul, a union of minds,

but wait till you have to pay those union dues.

In marriage there should be a sharing of duties and responsibilities.

When your wife tells you your responsibilities, it is your duty to listen.

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PINOY MARRIAGE JOKES

Cool tips for the married and the unmarried yet as well.....

UHAW* (Union of Husbands Afraid of Wives)
The foreign chapter of the fraternity of husbands
composed of :
YUKUZA(Yuko sa Asawa),
SANSUWI (Isang Sutsot, Uwi) at
UTIN (Unyon ng mga Tatay na Inaapi ng mga Nanay).....

When you say: "Ako ang tigas sa amin."
You really mean: "Ako ang tigas-saing ng kanin,
tigas-sampay ng labada at tigas-sundo sa eskuwela ng mga bata."

When you say: "Gagawin ko kahit ayaw ng misis ko."
You really mean: "Gagawin kong maghugas ng pinggan kung
ayaw niya, gagawin kong maglaba kung ayaw niya."

When you say: "Kapag sinabi kong hiwalay, HIWALAY!"
You really mean: "Hiwalay ang puti sa de-kolor at baka
kumupas ang labada."

When you say: "Lahat ng utos ko ay pasigaw."
You really mean: "Hoy bilisan mo naman iyang kape at
giniginaw na ako dito sa labahan!"

When you say: "Ako ang laging nasusunod!"
You really mean: "Oo, dear susunod na ako sa iyo sa palengke."

When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang salita!"
You really mean: "Honey, huwag mo na akong batukan at masakit!"

When you say: "Inaabot siya sa akin ng mura!"
You really mean: "'Ling naman, mura lang naman iyong
sapatos na bibilhin ko!"

When you say: "Nakukuha ko siya sa isang tingin!"
You really mean: "Hon, patingin naman ng periodiko
pagkatapos mong basahin."

When you say: "Kaya ko siyang paluhurin!"
You really mean: ". Paluhod niyang sinabing 'Hoy duwag, lumabas ka riyan
sa ilalim ng kama kungdi tatamaan ka sa akin!'"

When you say: "Hindi niya ako kayang paglabahin!"
You really mean: "Hindi puede kasi hindi pa ako tapos mamalantsa."